New Year’s Eve I raucously danced the night away.  I decided that I would care less what anyone thought or how I looked and just feel.  (Special thanks to Beyonce because her “Get Me Bodied” was a great release.)  I love to dance.  I probably should have been a dancer.  I might never have been rich but I would have been a whole hell of a lot more satisfied.

Watching other couples that night laugh, hug and kiss my husband and I became very sentimental.  We hugged for the first time in months.  He touched my hair and told me how nice I’d styled it.  He slept in my bed.

It’s six days later and I can see that he’s trying.  He’s reigning in the constantly negative comments – but he still makes them.  Yesterday, he came home from work and sat near me on the couch.  I asked him for a hug and he said no.  He said if I wanted a hug I should get up from being so comfortable on the couch.  I asked him why my being comfortable offended him.  He became quiet and then leaned over and gave me a hug.  These are the type of things that happen between us all the time.

Earlier this week, I downloaded two workouts from Podfitness.  On Wednesday, I woke up and did the first one – a brief Pilates workout – and then head to the gym to do the second one.  The second workout was a Treadmill workout that consisted of varying the speed and incline.  After 15 minutes or so, I was defeated and spent.  When I got home our dialogue went something like this:

Him: “Wow, that was quick.”

Me: “Yeah, it was really hard. I’m going to adjust the workout on Podfitness.”

Him: “So you’re going back to the gym?”

Me: “Not today, I’ll try again tomorrow.”

Him: “It’s like you didn’t do anything.”

Me (10 minutes later):   “When I attempt to do something and struggle and you say it was like I did nothing it upsets me.”

Him:

I’ve got to go to a baby shower so I’ll have to finish later.

—More to Come—

How often do you stare yourself down in the figurative mirror and really allow yourself to see what’s there?

How often do you say to yourself – while what I see is not perfect, it’s still more than ok?

Several years ago, I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (It’s a book that’s plagued me since because I’ve never been able to be “that perfect.”) and one analogy that he made comes to mind know. (Paraphrased) “When climbing the ladder of success makes sure the ladder is placed against the right wall.”

My ladder has been placed up against the wrong wall for a long time now. My childhood was filled with literature and the arts and instead I’ve been living a life of TV and Video Games. When I started my parenting voyage I wanted to provide my children with deep roots and instead I ended up focusing on things.

When I became a mother, I was painfully aware of the fact that my child would be welcomed just a bit less by the world than other babies. As he grew, I was strict and demanded perfection because I was insistent that he would not be found “wanting”. I stressed “proper” dress, “proper” speech, “proper” activities, “proper” books etc and so forth.

In my youth, I didn’t understand that the problem didn’t lie with him but with the world – intellectually I did, but emotionally I had internalized all the messages about people like me. My behavior, my desire for perfection steered my actions and decisions. It’s no way to parent and no way to live a life. It drove me to make mistakes. “Respectability” for it’s own sake is empty.

Luckily, love, helped me to see that I was making a mistake, at least where my son was concerned. I eased up on him but kept the pressure on myself. I turned to other areas of respectability – namely money. I would be sure that my kids had “everything” that any other average American child had, perhaps more. I worked and when I wasn’t working I was looking for ways to get ahead. And then I worked some more. I spent less time with my kids and they spent more time playing video games.

What does this have to do with getting to know oneself? Well, I’ve realized that I’ve been running from a deep seated feelings of inadequacy. I’m imprisoned by it.

It’s time to be free.

“Self, I’m staring you down in the mirror, seeing you in all of your goodness and imperfections with full awareness of public perception and you are more than ok.”

PS. Screw public perception.

Soon.

The combination of being born a Catholic (now non-practicing) and my extended family singing this carol every year, I found this post rather interesting.

PS. I’m still working on my proclamation for the new life.

More to Come.

Wishing you peace of mind, love, and laughs.

When I came out of the store I was stopped by a journalist for a local paper who wanted to ask me about my Christmas shopping practices. It was awkward because I haven’t really done my usual Christmas shopping but I answered the questions best I could and then moseyed on home.

With the constant dump of snow I’ve been spending a ton of time at home – too much time at home. I get stir crazy pretty easily so I’m hoping that we can get a break in the weather.

I bought my husband a gift but now I’m wondering if that was such a good idea. I’m pretty sure he didn’t get me anything and although I didn’t think that would bother me perhaps come Christmas it might make me a little blue. It might even make him feel a bit awkward. This will be the first time in 12 years that I won’t get a gift from him. He was never great with my birthday, Valentine’s or our anniversary but he never missed Christmas – but things are different now. I’ll just have to get used to it. It’s not like I can back out now because my youngest saw me hiding the gift in my closet.

It’s horrible when someone gives up on you esp. when it’s for things that should be minor. What’s worse is that I should be more than ready to call it quits and sometimes I’m just not. Like with the Christmas gift, it just felt awkward to not get him anything at all esp. since he’s taking care of the kids’ Christmas.

Tomorrow I’ll write about how I’m ready to be the woman I was born to be and what I’ll need to address to get there.

Good Night.

The author, Tom Rath, says that (perhaps) “You can’t be anything that you want to be–but you can be a lot more of who you already are.”  According to Rath, if we focus on who we are we will have a great deal more success.

I am slightly ambivalent about this statement (as he seems to be as well) since I don’t like limitations.  In fact, I hate being told I can’t do something.  I like to think that I can do anything.  Ambivalence aside,  I went ahead with my assessment.

As soon as I got home I ripped open the back sleeve to get the required code. (A word of caution, you really have to take the assessment without any distractions.  On a couple of questions my son interrupted me and the system forwarded me to the next question even though I had not yet chosen an answer.)  It took about 25 minutes to complete.

At the end, I received my top 5 themes and my action report.  I then returned to the book only to find that pretty much everything I needed to know was covered in my action report.  There was very little additional information in the book.  I felt let down.

On the other hand, the report  did ring essentially true although I don’t think my strengths were limited to the areas chosen.   The results of assessments like these are based on your own identification with certain characteristics, so generally they don’t give you new information about yourself.  Their usefulness is determined by how well they translate your self-knowledge into tangible, actionable information (ie professions to research, habits to cultivate etc. ).  This assessment offered that type of information but some of the suggestions felt vague.  However, this could be merely be a result of  my current employment status (ie no job = no place to test the suggestions).

Anhow, here are parts of my report –

My top 5 themes were:

• input
• learner
• context
• restorative
• connectedness

I would like to have known all of my themes listed in order of dominance.  I also wonder if the two questions I missed would have altered the results, hopefully not.

Some general professions that might play to my strengths:

• Teaching
• Research
• Journalism
• Medicine
• Consulting
• Computer Programming
• Customer Service

Other guidance related to professions:

“…roles in which you listen and counsel.”

“Seek out global or cross-cultural responsibilites that capitalize on your understanding of the commonalities inherent in humanity.”

“Seek roles that require some form of technical competence.”

“Seek roles in which you are paid to solve problems or in which your success depends on your ability to resolve and restore.”

So, thanks to StrengthFinder I have my career profile.  The only anomaly is medicine.   I’m prone to squeamishness and I hate hospitals but perhaps I’m not being creative enough in the way I’m thinking about the field.

Does this mini profile stir up some suggestions?If it does please drop me a line.

By the way, according to Meyers-Briggs, I’m also an ENFP.

2. I am impressed with the generosity of the people I’ve met here – one blogger has helped me with the progress tracker on the left and quite a few others have left me good, heartfelt advice.

3. (Changing the subject now) I got my Christmas tree and my husband (aka STBE) has stepped up to help with Christmas. In fairness, it took very little prodding on my part after our initial conversation. It may not be as plentiful as previous years but at least it will not be barren (no special dinner, presents, company etc). I am grateful for that.

3B. He and I will probably drag out our separation a bit. This allows me some time to get on my feet and helps him be more stable in the long run. I am grateful for that, too. I don’t want to see him struggling and I sure as heck don’t want to be as stressed out as I was when I started this blog.

4. Incidentally, I started this blog because I needed an outlet that was somewhat anonymous. Sometimes, in my extended family, if you reveal too much they become judgmental. I don’t want them to judge me or him. Now the trick is for both of us to reconfigure our lives before our truce erodes. I’m hoping that once our communication is isolated to parenting things will be much more easygoing. Perhaps I’m living in la, la, land to think so but not being up underneath each other should help.

4b – I started the blog as an outlet but I find I really enjoy blogging. I like writing and I like the interaction. I may not be good at it but I do find it enjoyable.

5. (Subject change 2) Has America become more intolerant? People seem way more fiery about their prejudices. Is it the elections? Or has it always been this way and once again I’m in la, la, land? (this is a hypothetical question – don’t feel compelled to answer that part of the question.)

7. (Semi Subject Change) Do we, as partakers of the human experience have any responsibility to each other? If we do, what exactly is it?

8. (Full Blown Subject Change) I would like to light-heartedly suggest that being a sports fans is the equivalent of being mildly insane. Fan is derived from fanatic right? In the past week, I have heard some crazy reasoning on things like the Mitchell Report and whether Jessica Simpson should go to the Dallas Cowboys’ games.

9. I’m interested in indigenous societies – I like to see the various approaches to “skinning the cat” or dealing with life? I also like Geography. Does anyone else?

10. I’d like to add some value here – is there something else maybe you’ve wanted to know about but just don’t have the time to research? Some topics I’ve been interested in – Hans von Spakovsky, Frank Lucas, CyberBullying, Alicia Kozakiewicz, The Electoral College and Electoral Process, Legal Battles fought at the ballot, Why did AMPD Mobile go under? Prevalance of steroid use and a few others – I have a list of things to learn about. What’s on your list?

I should probably live in a mediterranean climate since my mood can be so poorly effected by the weather.  But that’s a waa, waa (baby crying) for another day.

I had two job interviews yesterday - the first with a national retailer, the second with a national bank.  Both experiences while positive (I was offered one job and will potentially be offered the other), sucked.  Cattle calls, both.  I felt as though I was waiting on one of the government cheese lines that used to slink out of the armory on my old street.

It’s been about 7 years since my last full blown job search. Was it always this bad?  I can’t remember.   It’s experiences like yesterday that makes the desire to work for myself burn.

What skills does one need to cultivate in order to write one’s own ticket?  I am a born entrepreneur I think – but one without clever ideas (or confidence) to make money.  It’s hell.

Someone lecture me (gently) or inform me; put me on the right track.  What skills should I master in order to be my own master?

He said we’d leave in a few minutes. I waited. I waited some more. Finally, I said we have to leave now. He got furious and started going on about not being able to enjoy himself – who cares about Santa Claus, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Now it’s way past 12 am and I’m really tired. I cared about Santa Claus. My kids cared about Santa Claus. I cared that my kids cared about Santa Claus. I stood firm. It was an exhausting battle of wills and it ended up totally ruining Christmas Eve and part of Christmas.

Every year, we go through something similar usually around the purchase of a Christmas tree.

Him: “Why do we have to buy a Christmas tree? I hate the needles in the carpet. It such a pain. It’s a waste. Ok, but we are not getting anything bigger than 5 feet. ” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Me: “Because its tradition. The kids love it. We have no room to store a fake tree. It’s a pain but it’s for the kids. Maybe it is a waste but the kids really look forward to it.”

This is the conversation all the way up the tree being in the house, decorated, with the star on top.

Then it changes to -

Him: “There are needles everywhere. It’s going to be a hassle of taking it down and getting it picked up.” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Me: “Is he talking? I’m not listening. I’m really not listening. I am no longer in the room.”

I tune him out but it breaks my heart because he’s taking the magic out of it for my kids (well only the little one now) but he doesn’t seem to notice or care.

I won’t miss that next year.

I took the final and got a 74. I was bummed, I’ve received my all time lowest grades in this class (but my boundaries have also been expanded – I’m capable of so much more now).  As my classmates and I began discussing how we’d done, it became apparent that my 74 was the highest grade in the class.  My little frown turned upside down and I said “Yes”, OUT LOUD.  No one said anything but I can only imagine what they were thinking.

What a jerk.